Summerschool at Hogwarts
by Dumbledalf
Summary: Ron is stuck in Hogwarts during the summer with a Tiger, a semi-evil girl, a fat bear, and a suspicious teacher... Could it be Lord Voldemort himself? Or is everyone just stark raving mad? New chapter up!
1. The 1st Summerschool

_Rated PG for some violence and gender confusion. _

Summerschool at Hogwarts

"Giddyap! Giddyap!" Ron rode his noble steed, which was actually a tiger, down the hall and into the Griffindor common room.

He was wearing, surprisingly, a pair of white tights and a red dress that came down to his knees. They were hand-me-downs from his little sister, Ginny. They had gotten much too big for her and now they were Ron's.

Probably more absurd than his attire was the fact that it was June, not even during the school year! Ron was taking summerschool because he had failed Defense Against the Dark Arts the previous year, his first year at Hogwarts.

The summerschool program had just started that year: there were only three students. One was a fat girl with a bowtie who looked rather like a teddy bear, named Baba. And there was Ron.

The other was a girl with a messy blond braid, wearing a plaid dress. She grinned evilly, and stuck her foot out.

The tiger and Ron went sprawling when the big cat tripped.

"What did you do that for?" Ron asked, picking himself up. "You tripped us!"

"Prove it!" snapped the girl. Her name was actually Mandy, but Ron tended to call her Nanny.

"Your foot is sticking out!"

Nanny quickly pulled it back. "Now prove it!"

Ron held up his digital camera with a picture of Nanny tripping Tiger. "I'm gonna post it all over the internet!"

He ran up to the boy's dormitory, which he had to himself, and where his laptop was.

Griffindor: 0 Slytherin: 0

It was the first class of summerschool, Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sure enough, there was a new teacher.

"Hello, class," said the attractive young woman. She had a short pixie and a very, very deep voice. "I'm Professor Vodomote. I am a woman, not a man. I am not evil."

"She's the new head teacher of Slytherin," Nanny said in awe. She was also in Slytherin, and aspiring to be evil.

"Yes I am!" Vodomote said gleefully. "Snape is here, but he's still in bed. He might be sick."

There was something familiar about this new teacher, Ron realized. The man's voice, and the name…. But he couldn't put his finger on it. He hugged his tiger for comfort.

"Today, class, we will be learning about Killer Tigers."

"She's not killer!" Ron yelled, outraged. "She's tame!"

"Where did you find her?"

"Uh… in the dungeon. I… uh… wasn't supposed to be there, right?"

"Right. Fifty billion points taken away from Griffindor."

"What?" Ron yelled, but Vodomote had already moved on.

"What would you do if a vampire asked to be your friend, and you didn't want to, so it was trying to bite you?" he asked.

Nanny raised her hand. "I'd pour gravy on him."

"Excellent! Fifty billion points for Slytherin!"

Ron said, "I'd want to be his friend."

"Yeah right. Fifty billion points from Griffindor."

"Professor Vodomote?" asked Ron. "I have these two little voices in my head. One of them sounds like Harry Potter and the other like Dumbledore. They're both saying you're actually Voldemort."

Vodomote gave a strained smile, and a nervous laugh. "Don't pay any attention to them! They're nitwits!"

"Why isn't Dumbledore here?" Nanny asked innocently.

"He's in Boca with his good friend, Yoda. Class dismissed!"

Griffindor: -100,000,000,000 Slytherin: 50,000,000,000

It was dinnertime in the Great Hall, which wasn't looking so Great with only five humans and two large animals in the entire expanse of hugeness.

The other human was Professor Baby, who was, in fact, a baby. Snape was still in bed.

"Here is your dinner," Vodomote said, giving Ron a plate. "It is old bread and moldy cheese, with rainwater to drink."

"Hey!" said Ron. "You said I was getting moldy bread with old cheese!"

"Same thing," said Vodomote, beaming down at Nanny, who was eating a T-bone steak.

Ron's tiger was dining with the Griffindor lion, who was made of red plastic.

"All right, kiddies," said Baby. "Us professors are going to the prom. Try to amuse yourselves in the Griffindor common room."

Vodomote was wearing a large, puffy, pink prom dress, Ron realized. Which was odd, because he had always thought of her as a "he."

"Aww, look how good Ron is taking care of his pet," said Baby. Ron was playing with Tiger- using a catnip mouse about ten feet wide. "Five points for Griffindor!"

Right. Like five points are going to help.

Griffindor: -99,999,999,995 Slytherin: 50,000,000,000

Nanny and Ron sat on the common room floor. Baba was sitting on all the couches and chairs simultaneously.

"Oh, I wish Voldemort would come back!" Nanny cried. "I so want his autograph!"

"Just ask for Vodomote's," Ron replied.

"Okay. I will."

Griffindor: -149,999,999,995 Slytherin: 150,000,000,000

It was the middle of the night when an unidentified figure crept into Ron's dormitory. Ron was in bed, snuggling with his tiger—Suddenly, Tiger snatched Ron out of his bed, jolting him awake.

Vodomote was laying half in and half out of Ron's bed, apparently asleep.

"Thanks, Tiger! You saved my life!" Ron pushed the professor off and lay down again. Tiger stood watch.

Vodomote tried to attack again, but Tiger caught him up by his cute pixie.

"Ronald!" he yelled. "Put me down!"

Ron woke again. "Vodomote, why were you trying to kill me?"

"I wasn't! I was just sleepwalking!"

"Yeah, right."

"Ronald, I may add that I could do the same thing to you as I did to Snape. Yes, I put a spell on him to stay in his bed! The snoopy, wiggly—"

Nanny burst in, disturbed by the noise. "Professor, can I have your autograph?"

"Uh…okay." Nanny gave him paper and a marker. _Voldemort_.

He looked down, realizing he had written his real name. "Uh… the L and the R are silent, of course."

"Of course," said Nanny, going back to her dormitory.

"Mr. Weasley, You have a detention with me tomorrow," Voldemort yelled. "A _lunch_ detention!"

Griffindor: -458,095,384,954,596 Slytherin: 2.5 x 1090

Ron spun around as fast as he could, in the Hogwarts Gymnasium. He was in his spinning class. Nanny was nearby, on the uneven bars.

"I'm the best spinner at Hogwarts," Ron bragged. "Harry's only in second."

"So?" Nanny said. My mum's rich. Yours isn't. Mine gave me fifty billion dollars."

"Why do things always come in fifty billions?" Ron asked.

Griffindor: 1.7 x 10-50 Slytherin: 9.8 x 10180

"Hey Ronald! Over here!" Voldemort yelled from the center of the Great Hall.

Ron was wearing his black school robes, the hood pulled over his head. He had an evil glimmer in his eye and his faithful tiger by his side.

When he got to Voldemort, he pulled back his teeth and smiled. His two canine teeth were sharper than usual—I wonder why?

"I'm a vampire," he said menacingly. "Want to be my friend?"

"No! Get away from me!" Voldemort yelled.

Ron jumped up and bit Voldemort's neck, knocking him limply to the ground.

"Come on, Tiger," he said. "Let's get the others and go home."

He rode his tiger into the sunset, the defeater of Voldemort.

Griffindor: WON Slytherin: LOST

Sometime in July, Snape got out of bed. The castle was empty and silent. "Hello? Hello? Where is everybody?"

The End :)

_Author's Note: This supposedly takes place after Ron's first year... which doesn't make any sense, does it? Oh well. Just ignore those sorts of things, it's not serious. _


	2. The 2nd Summerschool

_Rated PG-13 for some mild violence... actually, some heavy violence. _

The 2nd Summerschool at Hogwarts 

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts—I mean, another summer, of course." Ron stood with the other students, staring up at the new summer headmaster. She had black hair, and black clothes—she looked like she was in mourning. But it was very obvious she wasn't, when you saw the evil look in her eye. Ron braced himself for a new, evil-filled summer.

"My name is Professor Deatheata. I will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, since the one from last summer… had something else to do."

Ron smiled, remembering the taste of Prof. Vodomote's neck. He had bitten it last year, ridding the world of the worst wizard of all time.

"The thing Prof. Vodomote had to do was… she wanted to start teaching Potions! Here are all the teachers now!"

Ron's heart sank to the bottom of his feet, which were clad in mismatched shoes. How could Vodomote be back? But there he was, smiling his girly, pink smile. And Tiger wouldn't even be there to protect him! Ron's mum had forbid it. (Actually, she needed Tiger to catch the gnomes in the garden. But she didn't tell Ron that!)

Vodomote was wearing a huge, poofy pink dress, as usual. She stood with an assortment of other teachers—more than usual, to accommodate the larger group of students. There must have been ten!

"I won't bother introducing all the teachers. There are too many. So, you will meet them when you get to their classes!" Deatheata said cheerfully. "Now I'm tired of talking, so Vodomote will split you up!"

Vodomote stepped down, grinning profusely. "Ronald! Good to see you're back… I'll put you with this little girl. I'm sure you will become the very best of friends." Ron was attached to a little first year, who looked to be about three years old. "They start early, don't they? Now you two will be with Professor Blackhair. She teaches senses."

"Senses! I already know my senses!" Ron complained.

"Well, then you'll learn some new ones."

Alive: 11 Dead: 0

Professor Nitwit taught the class How To Be Dumb. She had two students that period (and all of them), which were both girls: a tall, blonde, tan third year and a tiny fairy of unknown age.

"Fairy girl! What is a good way to be stupid?"

"I'm not a fairy!" the girl protested. "I'm a pixie! I'm Pixie Poopoo from the show!"

"Fine. What is a good way to be stupid?" Nitwit asked again. She looked pretty stupid herself, wearing a suit that belonged to a man.

"Well, you could jump out a window…"

This was cut off by Nitwit screaming at the top of her lungs, "A DEATH EATER! A DEATH EATER!" She and Pixie Poopoo began running around the room in panic, and then finally jumping out the window into the lake blow.

"Funny," said the remaining girl, whose name was Skirty. "All I see is broccoli."

Alive: 10 Dead: 1

Meanwhile, down in the great hall, Deatheata was teaching her class. "There is only one thing I need to tell you: Only Harry Potter can kill the Dark Lord Voldemort." She ignored the winces on her two students' faces as she said the dreaded name. "That is all. You can go now, class is dismissed."

Alive: 10 Dead: 1

Meanwhile again, Vodomote stood down in the dungeons before a small, trembling girl. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" he demanded.

"I-I said I was la-lactose intolerant," stammered the cute little girl.

"YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS INSUBORDINATION!" screamed the teacher. "Okay, class has begun. You! Pixie girl!"

He shouted to a seventh year that was wearing a skirt made of flower petals, but was over five feet tall. "I'm not a pixie! I'm a fairy! And being lactose intolerant is not against the rules."

"WHO CARES? NOW DRINK THIS!" He gave the little girl a glass of something white… that looked suspiciously like milk. "It might turn you into a rabbit. And you, fairy, you get this." The second glass contained an orange liquid that was smoking and had a sandy smell.

Both girls did as they were told. The younger girl broke out in hives, sneezes, stomach flu, and malaria all at once. The older girl stood there… nothing happened.

"Oh, so poison has no effect on you?" Vodomote said suspiciously.

"Duh, no! I'm a fairy, remember!"

"Well, at least I got rid of one!" He threw back his head and laughed the patented evil laugh. Even thought it wasn't a very good joke.

Alive: 9 Dead: 2

Meanwhile once again, Professor Track jumped up and down in a running suit. "All right! Are we ready to _get fit_?" she said enthusiastically to her students.

"Uh, sure."

"Then here's some chainsaws for you! Just cut off your head, whenever you feel ready!"

"Chainsaws? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I won't say anymore.

Alive: 7 Dead: 4

"Alrighty then! Let's get started!" Professor Manager stood in front of a white horse, holding the reins. "There's only one way to become a manager—and the horse decides. Simply stand in behind the horse, and he will tell you if you can become a manager or not."

The first student stepped up. The horse kicked, and the student went flying. "Nope!" Manager called. "Not a good match!"

The second student was next… with the same result. "No good!"

Manager stood behind the horse next. "Am I really a manager?"

The horse kicked… Manager went flying… and landed flat on his back. "Why am I not dead? Oh, yeah! It's because I'm wearing a steel undershirt!"

Alive: 5 Dead: 6

"Ok, class! Welcome to senses, with me, Professor Blackhair!"

"I already know all the senses," Ron complained again.

"Well, then let's test them." She took out a huge jar of peanut butter and spooned it all into his mouth.

"Augh! Ah gaunt braut!"

"Just swallow it, sweetie. Now for you, little girl." Blackhair opened a small box labeled, "PANTYHOSE." But there was no pantyhose in there. It was the contents of a pig barn that hadn't been mucked in several years, with pigs slaughtered inside. The girl smelled it, and choked.

"Ok, Ron! Classes are over for today. Lets go back to the great hall, shall we?"

Alive: 4 Dead: 7

"Hmm," said Vodomote in a falsely confused voice. "Why do we have less students?"

"Because you plotted to murder them!" Ron yelled. "You're Voldemort, that's why!"

There was a collective gasp from the other three students. Deatheata looked panicked. "Um, children? Children! You three come with me. I think we should let Ron and Vodomote have a, um, _private_ conversation."

She ushered the others to the other side of the great hall, and pulled something out of her purse. "I have treats for you all!"

It was three lollypops, all a sickly orange color and smoking slightly…. "Try them! I made them in Potions class."

"Has Professor Snape approved?" Skirty asked.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He's in bed."

"Well, I don't want one. You can have mine."

"Now don't be difficult, little—"

Suddenly, the other two students who had been licking the lollypops suddenly exploded. Skirty broke off into a run.

"No! Come back here!"

Alive: 2 Dead: 9

"Ron, you know what happens to slithering little wretched like you?" Voldemort asked, as soon as the others left. "They get detentions. LUNCH DETENTIONS!"

Suddenly, he was knocked over by a mass of curly, blonde hair and tan skin. "Skirty!" Ron yelled. "Get out of the way!"

The girl jumped up, and Ron dove down. He opened his mouth and bit Vodomote's neck, leaving him on the floor.

Seeing this, Deatheata fled out the window. She was never seen again…. Actually, she was. Later.

Anyways… "Ron!" Skirty cried, hugging him. "You're my hero!"

"Aww, I couldn't have done it without you knocking him over!"

"Vodomote's a "her," not a "him.""

"But Voldemort's a "he." Oh, who cares? I'll explain later. For now, let's get back to my house!"

So Ron and Skirty walked into the sunset, the defeaters of Voldemort. Again.

Alive: Ron and Skirty! Dead: A whole bunch of students!

Several days later, Ron got a letter back from Harry: "YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND? But what about Hermione? OMG! RON…"

The end

_This one wasn't as good. All the violence isn't really my style. Blame Allandra, it was really her idea. Anyways, the fourth one is pretty good, when I get to it. _


End file.
